Troublemaker?

Yesterday I missed Joe Biden's speech.  I was on the phone with Ms. F for about 45 minutes talking about Tyler and her frustrations with him.  It seems his teacher is at her wit's end and isn't sure what to do to get him to use appropriate behavior in the classroom.  Though he was threatened before, yesterday was the first time she's actually called me.  

Shawn and I have been very concerned about this situation.  And it's new to us, as both of our boys have always been well behaved for us.  I don't have to raise my voice with them (very often)... we take them anywhere we want to and know that they'll cooperate... they're sweet and sensitive and caring... we enjoy spending time with them and others seem to, also.  We get complimented on their behavior in places like art museums and restaurants, where kids tend to be a bit rowdy.  They've always obeyed grown~ups ~ even friends and neighbors.  

Perhaps we've gotten too comfortable or have grown to expect more of them than you'd expect of boys.  But when I send them to school, I expect them to exhibit the same tendencies and habits that we experience at home and in our daily lives.

So when Tyler was coming home each day talking about losing 5 minutes or an entire recess (and sometimes two recesses), I was shocked.  We have talked and talked about how important school is and how we can't learn anything if we're talking when Ms. F is talking.  We've talked about respecting grown ups and obeying when asked to be quiet.  We've talked about how we know he's capable of behaving appropriately.  About a time and a place to talk and have fun with friends.

We've come up with a positive and negative reinforcement system.  He'll earn special priveledges when he hasn't gotten any of his recess taken away, but conversely if he loses an entire recess (which means he's gotten in trouble twice), he is grounded that night.  Admittedly, we've not been great at enforcing the grounding...

... because we were starting to think he had been singled out.  We've questioned and tried to understand the circumstances during which he's getting reprimanded.   We feel we know our child and that this behavior is not typical.  He's starting to say he doesn't like school and wants to be home all the time, which is never something he's expressed.  He's always loved school and excelled.  He's said that he feels like his teacher is yelling at him and that she doesn't like him (he's very sensitive about this anyway).  

Shawn and I have both seen situations where a kid was labeled a "troublemaker" or a "bad seed" or whatever and the teacher's attitude toward that kid was never the same afterwards.  We were starting to think that had happened here because Tyler's not shy and he gets along so easily with everyone... 

So when the phone rang and it was Ms. F on the other end, I stepped outside to take the call a bit on the defensive.  We're trying to enforce her rules from home, which is difficult because we're trusting him to tell us when he's gotten warnings or lost recess.  We're hearing about behavior that we really haven't witnessed.  And we're concerned about possible labels that our child has gotten.

Ms. F seemed very concerned about Tyler.  I could hear the frustration in her voice.  She's not dealt with behavior issues that she couldn't modify before.  She wanted to make sure Tyler was communicating with us about his problems at school and that we were dealing with it appropriately.  I talked to her about our actions and my own frustration with the situation that was new to me.  I opined about what I thought was the cause of this... a combination of having a hard time getting into a structured environment (which he didn't have all summer and really not in first grade either if we're being completely honest here) ... and perhaps part of it being immaturity as he's one of the youngest in his class.  

I talked to her about my concerns about recess removal being a punishment because that's the only outlet he has during the day for his talkative personality.  I voiced my concerns about labels and stigmas.  

She said all the right things and voiced concerns that mirrored mine.  She does seem, after only two weeks, to genuinely care about our son.  But at the same point, his behavior is deviant and distracting and can't continue.  

He has been moved to another desk, away from the best friend from last year, though she usually doesn't accommodate things like this.  I suggested it might be best for him to be moved to a seat alone, away from other kids altogether.  Already, his first day at a new desk, he's gotten another boy in trouble that sits next to him.  One that normally hadn't gotten in trouble.  This leads me to believe that it he IS exhibiting the behavior he's been punished for.  Ms. F didn't want to move him to a desk alone, even temporarily until he gets used to this new structured environment.  She said she would, though, if I thought it was best and we compromised with waiting a couple more days to see how it goes at the desk he just moved to.  She's promised to email me daily to let me know how things went so I don't have to rely on his honesty.  

I'm still feeling pretty helpless, though.  Shawn and I discussed ways we can help her more at home by being stricter in our punishment and staying more on top of the situation.  I'd like to go and spend time in the classroom so I can witness what's happening... but she thinks that I wouldn't witness what she does in that scenario.  I know in the grand scheme of things, this could be so much worse.  The behavior that requires modification could be violent in nature...  But I feel this is serious enough to take action now, before he is labeled and future teachers dread having him in their classroom.  And even Gavin, too ~ I've seen siblings be set up for failure because of big brother's or sister's interactions with teachers.

I don't want to stifle his life and his spirit ~ he has a fantastic personality and is well liked and I think that will serve him well in life.  But I'm baffled at how to teach him, from a distance, to behave appropriately and respect his teacher.  What we're doing is clearly not working.  

If you're still reading and have any advice or input, I'd gladly eat up whatever you can share with me.