Of Tornadoes and Spankings

The other day, I spent the evening in the salon getting some very split ends trimmed on my hair and enjoying a pedicure on the toes I can not reach.

While I was gone, the weather turned stormy and a downpour came down upon our neck of the woods. I was about 10 miles north of home when it happened and while I was gone, a tornado siren went off. Shawn, being the cautious daddy that he is, promptly took our boys down to our unfinished basement playroom to spend the evening playing Candyland and Memory while scarfing down the food I'd left him before I headed to the salon.

The boys have never experienced a tornado first hand, but we've had some close calls and they've heard about tornadoes of my youth ~ growing up in Indiana, they were relatively frequent. Usually, the mountains seem to block such activity but the siren went off nonetheless.

Gavin was being quieter than his usual self and close to tears. Tyler asked him what was wrong and he replied "I'm worried about Mom". (awww!)
Tyler's reply: "even though she gives really hard spankings?"
Gavin: "yes, I still love her. I will always love her and she will always love me." (aww again!)

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I almost ended the post there. And if you want to stop reading, by all means, do. The rest of this post will likely be more of my parenting opinions than you'd care to read.

I found this conversation very telling of my relationship with both of my boys. I certainly do not love or favor one son more than another. Both of my boys are very special individuals and very different people. They both have so many things to offer the world and I love their uniqueness.

I get Tyler. I get him because he's like a mini~me. He has inherited my goofy sense of humor, my slight OCD and some parts of my personality that I'd have chosen otherwise if given the choice. He's brutally honest, when he's not lying to get himself out of trouble. He also remembers the bad times more than the good times and dwells on those ~ hence the spanking comment. Because he's so much like me, I feel like we clash often as I try to curb the things that I think will hurt him later in life, as they've hurt me. I never did learn by being taught ~ I had to learn by experience ~ so I realize this is a complete waste of my time but I can't help myself somehow. Tyler idolizes Shawn and when given the choice of which parent to spend time with, run errands with, etc, will choose Shawn.

Gavin, on the other hand, is more like Shawn. He's sweet and sensitive and cautious with new people. He loves me unconditionally and differently than Tyler does. No matter how many times I screw up as a parent, he doesn't hold a grudge like Tyler does. Gavin has always been a Mama's boy and when given the choice of parents, has chosen me. He's a mystery to me in many ways but I think our personalities coincide more because he's so much like his dad... and opposites attract just like Shawn and I. I don't ask as much of Gavin as I did with Tyler at this age ~ partly because I want him to stay my baby forever, I s'pose.

Another thing that struck me about their conversation was the spanking comment. I haven't given either of them a spanking in years. Not since they were able to comprehend other forms of punishment. And even when I did spank, it was rare. I threatened a lot, but I found after a couple swats on the butt, just knowing what the consequence would be was often enough to curb behavior I didn't find acceptable. So I found it very interesting that Tyler mentioned that as a way to soothe Gavin (?) or perhaps to justify why it'd be Ok if a tornado did take me away?

The next day I asked Tyler when the last time I spanked him was. He couldn't remember. I asked him why he'd mentioned it the night before in the basement with Shawn and Gavin and he just grinned, unsure.

I am looking back now, and questioning. I was often torn about spanking... whether hitting them would teach them that hitting was Ok. Whether it was fine because I was spanked as a child and I turned out (mostly) Ok. Whether I'd do it inappropriately ~ when I was angry rather than trying to teach a lesson. In the end, Shawn and I decided that it was an acceptable form of punishment when they were so young that other things didn't work. We did time~outs for less serious crimes but for larger offenses, we did swat them on the butt. We wanted to establish authority when they were little so that when we asked something of them, they would not hesitate in obeying.

Now I'm wondering if any chasms in my relationship with Tyler developed because I used to use this form of punishment. Or if we're really just too much alike and are destined to clash just like my mother and I did... until I was old enough to really appreciate her.