When I Grow Up

I find myself in between jobs again.  More accurately, I got fed up with what was becoming a less than perfect environment to work in and I excused myself from the situation.

When I first started working in the little Allstate agency that I called home for almost five years, I absolutely loved it.  The work was right up my alley... the clients were awesome... my boss was great... I felt like I'd found my niche.  Maybe even for the long term.  My boss and I shared a relationship that I hadn't experienced elsewhere.  She taught me about insurance and was my biggest cheerleader as I learned and grew.  

I was hired to work part time and that's all I ever intended to do because my allegiance was with my family.  I wanted to support Shawn's salary by bringing in my own income, but still wanted my main role in life to be a wife and mom.

Last year my little Allstate agency opened another location.  My position changed and I was now the Office Manager and in charge of making sure that agency ran smoothly.  I think it all went downhill from there.  We hired one employee and then six months later, he was terminated.  Then we tried another employee and eventually she, too, was let go.  The satellite location wasn't selling enough policies and financially we couldn't support the staff.  Most of the time I was there alone.  I felt very removed from the "team" that I was a part of.  I did my best to stay motivated and continue doing the best job that I could, despite the drama, but more and more I found that my heart wasn't in it.

I started thinking about what other options I might have and actually started searching for something new about three months ago.  My boss found out about it and confronted me.  We talked and tried to work out a solution that would make both of us happy.  I decided to stay until I found a better solution.

The past few months have been stressful because as the economy suffered, so did we.  People are hurting financially and of course they are shopping.  Allstate has great products and great rates but sometimes we aren't the most competitive.  I had a difficult time selling, which is not my strong suit as it is.  

My kids' schedule changes and required days off and winter illnesses became more and more of a sore spot with my boss.  Though I felt I was continuing to be a fantastic employee, when you aren't physically working together, it's often hard to stay on the same page in that way.  Between the schedule and the criticism over all the things that she saw me doing "wrong" (or not how she'd do them), my relationship with her changed from something that was positive and uplifting to a real source of pain, stress and hostility for me.  

With sales continuing to be down and the agency debt not getting any lower, my boss started looking at other options for the location I was working at.  She also decided I needed to work five days a week.  I was informed of this decision via email and was asked to respond as quickly as possible.  The email also told me that if I didn't agree to this change, my position would be terminated.  I had no choice, I felt, as I needed my job.  So begrudgingly, I agreed.

The stress of the thought of working five days a week, not because of the work but because of the things I had to give up, started to eat at me.  I wasn't willing to change my life in this way, I decided.  I didn't want to give up the time I had to volunteer in Gavin's classroom and to take field trips with Tyler's class.  I didn't want to have to run errands and do chores on the weekends, when we were all off work and school ~ that was our precious family time.  These boys are young for only a little bit longer and I was envisioning them growing up before my eyes and missing it all.  

My boss has always advocated an open door policy and we've always been encouraged to talk to her when we had issues with our position.  So I took the next opportunity I had to discuss my anxiety and issues with working basically full time.  She was not happy with me for changing my mind about our agreement and we compromised by my continuing to work the five days through the end of this school year.

Last week, it came to my attention that the location I was managing was for sale.  I asked my boss if I should be concerned about my job security when I learned of a meeting that was scheduled to discuss another agent purchasing it and was told "I don't know.  It's just a conversation. "  Two minutes later, another email "By the way, I wouldn't be looking at all my options if you wouldn't have backed out of working 5 days a week".  Suddenly, after 5 years, my working this schedule had become imperative to us even keeping our second location?  The reassurance I was looking for, that I hadn't been getting for the last year, was nowhere to be found.  I couldn't imagine continuing to show up for work each day unsure if today would be the day I was fired.  None of our other employees were giving any notice and I couldn't imagine the shock and surprise of suddenly finding myself without work.

Shawn happened to be home that day, taking a sick day because of a severe back pain flare up, and I went upstairs... frustrated and upset... to talk to him.  I'd always felt like as long as this was the best situation for me to be in ~ financially, for the schedule, whatever ~ I'd stay.  The major pulling factor in the situation was an agreement my boss made with me that I could work from home during the kids' school breaks and vacations.  As I shoo'd my kids away so that I could work and shush'd them so that clients wouldn't hear the kids when I was on the phone, I quickly realized that this situation was not exactly ideal.  Shawn and I discussed our options... pulled out the calculator and went over our budget... and realized that I wasn't as "stuck" in this job as I'd thought.

Emotional and angry, I did my best to keep my cool as I typed up my two weeks notice and emailed it to my boss.  I thanked her for the flexibility she had shown me ~ always her best quality as a boss ~ and for all she'd taught me but told her it was time for me to move on.  I promised to train my replacement to the best of my ability so as not to leave her high and dry with no staff to help her.  Her response was that I didn't need to return after today.  She quickly changed my email password and disabled my access to Allstate.  She didn't want me working in our office because she was afraid I'd steal the office equipment.  This definitely added salt to the wound because I have never been dishonest or even stolen as much as a postage stamp in the almost 5 years I'd been employed by her.  

Today I'm feeling scared about our financial future and determined to do what I can to cut back and adhere to the strictest of budgets.  No more dinners out.  No more splurging at Whole Foods on special treats.  No more anything that we don't absolutely need.  I'll be learning how to make my own cleaning supplies and how to dye Easter Eggs with food coloring instead of the store bought kit.  I'll find a way to make my own bubble bath and bath salts.  We'll be shopping exclusively at consignment and thrift stores if we find that we need something.  We'll be watching movies and playing board games at home.  We'll be hiking and swimming at our neighborhood pool.  I'm excited to teach my kids how to live more simply.  We are already very frugal so it will be a challenge to find more ways to spend less... but I'm determined not to dip into our savings account.  I will be so upset with myself if the Disney World trip that we're saving for doesn't happen because I made the stupid decision to remove myself from a bad situation before I'd found a better one.

My plan of action right now is to find a job in the school system in our county.  I dream of having summers off with my boys and not having to put them in day care.  There are new schools opening near our home and I'm certain that they will be hiring soon.  In the mean time, I'm going to try to pick up a part time gig waiting tables around Shawn's schedule.  This summer, I'm going to take care of one of Gavin's friends during the day for some extra cash.  The boys will love having a companion! 

Somehow, I think it's all going to be Ok.

And one of these days, hopefully I'll figure out what I want to be when I grow up.   But first, I just want to watch these boys grow up.  I don't want to miss a thing.