Out of the Fog

Contrary to the face most of the world around me sees, I have not been myself lately. I've been upset about stupid things more often than usual. I've cried more days than I haven't (and I'm really not a crier). I've been snappish with the boys and Shawn. I've been unmotivated at work. I've been unmotivated at home. I've been tired and grouchy and just not great to be around lately.

I think part of it is the weather... We've had a heat wave going on here and have been mostly stuck indoors as the temperatures soar to 100 degrees or damn close every day for the past 20 days. The extra weight I'm carrying around is like insulation and the heat combined with low blood pressure leaves me feeling light headed and weak.

Part of it is the strain on my body of the two little bundles of joy that are growing in there. Heat and body aches make it difficult to sleep at night, which makes for a cranky me. And the hormones all out of whack are responsible for much of the crying and drama.

Shawn's stressed at work and not happy with his job... which is something I can not fix and his options are few until he completes his degree, without throwing away much of what he's worked hard to accomplish. While he's been an immense support for me ~ stepping in and playing with the boys when I need a nap... running around with them even at the end of a long day of work... practicing baseball and going on bike rides... I'm not able to reciprocate the way I'd like to, to be a good support for him.

This last trimester is just tough. My body can't keep up with what my mind would like to accomplish. I am running out of clothes that fit, due to the sheer girth of my belly. I feel fat and uncomfortable. I am impatient with myself.

I am impatient with the boys and I worry that it's taking a toll on them. Our summer is almost over and we've had a lot of fun together but I worry that there have been more bad times than good. More times when I needed a rest more than I wanted to play cards or read books with them. More times when I asked them to do more chores than 5 and almost 7 year olds should be doing because I couldn't muster the energy to do what needed to be done. They've witnesses more arguments between Shawn and I than I'd like them to witness. And they've done more comforting of me than I've done of them.

All three of my guys have rallied around me, trying to help hold me together and find pieces of the mom/wife they know and love. I'm so, so lucky to have them and yearn for the day when they feel lucky to have me again, too.

Most of this pregnancy has been relatively easy on me, on us. Our family has benefitted from new friends and new experiences. We've gotten to be a part of something so special and I don't have any regrets. Watching the Makua and Keiki become a family is and has been rewarding on so many levels for so many reasons. I'm proud to be a part of it and excited to watch their journey together and see these lil boys grow up, from a distance.

This surrogacy path is a roller coaster of emotions and highs and lows. Just like life is meant to be, I s'pose. As we all prepare for it to end in just 9 weeks, I find myself looking forward to finding the old me again. To being able to be the mom and wife my family has been missing. To hand back this enormous responsibility that's been entrusted with me.

And oh, what I'd give for a day where the thermostat didn't register a temperature over 80 something.