Twenties

This is the last day that I'll ever be twenty-something.  It's a warm Saturday afternoon and as I sit here, fresh from my shower after a morning of exercise and house cleaning, with my husband and children off on a hunt for the perfect birthday present... I'm reflecting a bit on the past decade.   Decade!  I'm old enough that my life is now measured in decades!   I still feel like a child sometimes so that is strange for me to consider.

I look back on the girl I was this time 10 years ago... 19 seems so young to me now.  A baby still, really.  Yet I thought I was grown up... I thought I knew who I was... I thought I knew where I was going in life... but really I feel now that I knew nothing then.

The summer before I turned 20 was a roller coaster of emotions for me.  I had completed two years of college in a fun, liberal college town.  I met Shawn, the person I was convinced almost immediately that I was meant to spend the rest of my life with.  I was on my own, living in an apartment with three other roommates, for the first time in my life.  It didn't compare to dorm living at all!  I felt so responsible, paying my own bills and shopping for home furnishings.  I bought my first kitten.  And right before I turned 20, I lost my faith.  I had been a relatively religious Christian for all that I can remember of my first 19 years of life.  Realizing that my belief system no longer correlated with my personal beliefs threw me into an upward and downward spiral as I re-evaluated what it meant to me to be human... to be a good person... to be free thinking... and it felt scary to contemplate a new version of my own mortality while at the same time freeing.  I no longer had to feel guilt for doing normal human things... for lapses in judgement... for erring.  It was liberating!   

My relationship with Shawn, which also began at this time, as I just mentioned was also a source of great joy and turmoil.  After dating around in college and finding lots of people that didn't seem to possess the qualities I was searching for, I finally found a person who embodied what I felt I needed in a partner.  Unfortunately, he was at first unsure.  He was just out of an emotionally and physically abusive (her, not him believe it or not) relationship.  He didn't think he was ready to jump back into something so serious as what I felt I was ready for.  And so I waited...

When it was time for me to move back up to Indianapolis, the town I grew up in, to go to Nursing School, he went to live with his parents in Lafayette (an hour away from me).  He'd come down on the weekends and visit and as time passed those visits became longer and longer.  Before long he was practically living with me ~ still just a few short months after we'd met.  We spent our days, when I was not in school, playing Scrabble and making love.  I was crazy about him and my thoughts often drifted while I was in class.  

I made it through 1 and 1/2 semesters of Nursing School before realizing that I was NOT cut out to be a Nurse.  Unsure of how best to proceed where my education was concerned, I dropped out of classes... with the promise to my parents to work for a few years and figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up and then go back.  Ten years later, I still have not a clue.  I knew at that point that I wanted to be a mother and a wife ~ in the traditional sense of the words ~ but beyond that I was unsure.  So I moved with Shawn to Lafayette, Indiana, a town of factories and farms.  Shawn and I both took full time office jobs and we moved into our first apartment together.  We got a couple more kitties.  Our routine became comfortable and our bond strengthened.  We talked about getting married... but we were still so young.  

I turned 21 ~ it was uneventful for the most part.  Shawn and I went back down to Bloomington, where we'd met, and went bar hopping for hours.  Shortly after my 21st birthday, Shawn decided to join the Army.  He hadn't yet finished school yet his loans needed to be paid.  We did not feel we could afford them but the Army offered a loan payment program to enlisted soldiers.  We thought the Army would give us the opportunity to see the world ~ so Shawn took the ASVAB and scored very high on it, which enabled him to have the pick of the litter when it came to MOS's (job's).  He decided on Satellite Network Controller.  

Our original plan was to get married before he joined the Army but they talked him into joining a little earlier than we'd planned... so a Justice of the Peace at the courthouse on a warm October Day married us instead.  We thought we'd do a more formal ceremony later but never have.   We spent a weekend in Chicago for our Honeymoon ~ we had to be quick because he was leaving soon for Basic Combat Training.  Just a couple weeks after we got married, he flew to Ft. Jackson in Columbia, South Carolina.  He ended up getting injured there and except for 2 week break at Christmas, our first 6 months of marriage were spent apart.  

I was 21 when I moved away from Indiana, and all that had ever been home to me, to join Shawn in Augusta, Georgia, where he was to continue his training for another 9 months or so.  I was so excited to be with my husband again after such a long separation, but also nervous to leave my family and the familiarity that Indiana offered.  I loved Georgia, though it was hot and humid, and we loved exploring towns like Atlanta and Savannah (to this day one of our most favorite places!).  I was unable, at first, to live with Shawn but one of the other Army Wives whose husband was in training with Shawn, and I decided to be roommates.  Her name, coincidentally, was Amy.  And another coincidence was that she was from Colorado ~ where we now live.  She and her husband were ex~drug users and the stories they had from their crazy life prior to him joining the Army shocked and excited me.  I had never known anyone like her.  We spent long days together and at night would sneak on base to meet our husbands, who were only supposed to see us on the weekends, and would bring them dinner that we'd prepared together.  We felt sorry for them having to eat all of their meals in a cafeteria.  Amy was the first stripper I ever knew and my first visit to a strip club was to see her.  Eventually she and her husband relapsed back to the crazy world of drugs and debauchery and he went AWOL from the Army.  We lost touch even before Shawn finished his training and we moved away.

I was 22 when we decided we were ready to have children and started trying.  We moved to Maryland, where Shawn was stationed at Ft. Detrick in Frederick, MD.   Living on the East Coast was a big change from what I was used to.  In Indiana and Georgia, people are friendly and talkative.  Perfect strangers will tell you their life story just minutes after your first meeting.  Maryland was a whole different world to me... people didn't hold doors or say thank you when you held one for them.  The drivers were rude and inconsiderate of others on the road.  My only friends were other Army Wives ~ ladies who were also rather newly wedded like I was ~ other girls away from their families and their homes.  We bonded in ways I'd never experienced and clung to each other when our husbands were working shifts and we were home alone.  I worked as a nanny to four children ranging in age from 14 months to 15 years.  I came to love them like, I thought, I'd love my own children.  I was wrong, but I was still really young and naive.  

We made the most of living in a new place... We explored places like Gettysburg, Pennsylvania and Baltimore, Maryland.  We went to Washington, D.C. to tour the Smithsonians and watch 4th of July fireworks on the White House lawn.  We went hiking in the Smoky Mountains and tried to find Camp David in the State Park we frequented.  There is so much history on that part of our country and we had fun learning and seeing things that we might not otherwise see.

I was 23 when I found out I was pregnant ~ nearly 12 months after trying to have a baby.  I was ecstatic beyond words but found some long enough to call our parents at 3am when I took my pee test.  Just shy of my 24th birthday, we welcomed Tyler into our small family.  Being a mom was everything I thought it would be... I stayed home, rather than going back to being a nanny, and loved my baby. 

Though I knew our family was not yet complete, I loved my little family and tried to be the best mom and wife that I could be.  Taking care of them gave me purpose and made me feel important and useful.

I was 25 when we had Gavin.  At last, the final piece of our puzzle.  I'd love more kids but we decided that 2 was our limit ~ financially and at the time emotionally too.  I had the two sweetest and cutest little boys on the planet and was so excited to be their mommy!  I loved being a young mother and most of my friends had children too.  We spent our days when Shawn was working with other Army wives and their babies.  

Shawn got medically discharged from the Army right before Gavin was born.  It was bittersweet for us as we had insurance long enough to cover Gavin's birth and the first month or two of his life but that was it.  Shawn began job hunting right away and thought he had something lined up in Indianapolis ~ finally we were going back home!  But that job fell through and after six months of searching in Indiana, he finally started looking elsewhere.  

He was offered two jobs right away ~ one was based out of Salt Lake City, Utah but was a deployable position and we'd have no idea where he'd go... With the war in Iraq just starting with already no end in sight and two small children, we went with option #2 instead.  He took a job based out of Aurora, Colorado (a place, I'd vacationed as a teenager and instantly loved) and when I was 26, we moved our young family to Denver.   Starting over, yet again, was not as scary as it'd once been.  Things were different than when we'd moved to Maryland ~ I was a stay at home mom.  I quickly searched online for a mom's group to join and found one within a month of moving here.  The mom's group had weekly playgroups for the kids and because a source of friendship, entertainment, advice and kinship.  My relationships with the other mothers became a necessity for me.  I bonded with the other mothers in ways that again, I'd not yet experienced.  They have made my being in Colorado bearable for many reasons.  Though our big group slowly dwindled down to the four that remain, as I have grown and found myself as a woman, they have been my confidants and friends.  Our children have practically grown up together and if some of them don't one day marry, I'll be surprised.  

I was 27 when we bought our first home, in Castle Rock, Colorado.  Having our own home brought with it new responsibilities and new joys.  I could paint walls!  I could grow a garden!  We could have as many pets as we wanted!  Freedom!  It also brought with it more bills... we struggled to make ends meet at times and as my other friends started to go back to school and work, I felt more lonely.  I loved being home with my babies and they were an endless source of joy to me, but I longed for contact with grown ups as well.  I got a part time job at a small Allstate agency ~ so small in fact that when we started we did not have a single client!  I was there the first day our doors opened and have been there since.  Growing our little agency has been a fun and interesting experience for me.  I am lucky to have a very flexible and understanding boss.  I've been able to work as little or as much as I wanted and my schedule changed as my family's needs changed.

It was my boss, Robin, who took me to my first Weight Watchers meeting.  Years of marriage and motherhood and being home enjoying my family left me with 60 extra pounds to shed.   Losing the weight and more importantly, adopting a healthier life style was one of the best things i did for myself throughout my 20's.  I completed my goal in January of '07 at age 29 and have stayed at the same weight since then.  I now know that I can do anything that I want to, no matter how hard and daunting a task it may seem.  

I was also 26 when I decided to become a surrogate mother.  This journey took a little longer than expected and I didn't actually conceive for almost another year.   The parents were fantastic and we quickly formed a relationship as we walked our path together.  I will never forget my conversation with Mark, the father, the day I called to tell him that I was pregnant!  He cried happy tears and so did I.  Weeks later an ultrasound would show that I was carrying twins!  What had I gotten myself into?  My pregnancy progressed normally for awhile and then I began experiencing pain like never before.  I had gall stones and at about 16 weeks went into surgery to have my gall bladder removed.  The rest of the pregnancy continued somewhat normally but somewhere along the way my marriage had fallen apart.  

I had been so wrapped up in my children, my job, my friends that I hadn't even noticed that my husband and I were not where I thought we were.  We were no longer on the same page.  It was devastating to me to think that my life as I knew it might be over... or at least changing.  I thought that carrying the twins was the cause of our troubles and yearned for my pregnancy to be over.  At 28 I gave birth to two healthy and large babies ~ a boy and a girl.  They were sweet and strong and looked nothing like me.  Their parents were in the delivery room and it was one of the best moments of my life.  They were grateful through their tears ~ thanking me over and over.  

I was in the hospital in a room alone with Shawn, recovering from my C-section, when he told me he thought our marriage was over.  I had hit my rock bottom.  The relationship, the love that I'd counted on, depended on, was dead.  It seemed unlikely at that moment that we would recover.  I went back to Indiana, home, to my family for love and support.  I took the boys and we stayed away for three weeks.  During those three weeks Shawn and I had multiple conversations about us... how this had happened... how to fix it... what to do next.  The Shawn I knew and loved was gone... he had been for months... and I was unable to reach him.   Until the letter.  I spent hours writing a letter to him to send for Valentine's Day.  I do not like to be vulnerable and give people the opportunity to hurt me but I thought I needed to do it ~ one last shot at trying to reach him.  To express to him what he meant to me and my desire for us to pull through this and end up in a happy place, together, on the other side.  He received it and read it but told me for days that he hadn't.  He wasn't able to face what I'd written and the decision he had to make himself.  But our phone conversations during the last week of the time I was home, changed.  I could sense him returning... the husband I'd lost.  I could feel him starting to let his guard down... to allow himself to be loved by me again.  When he picked us up from the airport, he was not the same person who'd dropped us off.  For the first time in months, he held my hand again.  We made love that night for the first time in what seemed like ages.  I felt like I was back where I belonged.  There was hope again!  We were "us" again ~ though broken, not beyond repair.  

Ria, lovely Ria, took my children for a weekend so we could go away and start work on the parts of us that were in disrepair.  We needed to connect again, alone together, in an unfamiliar place to see if we could start over.   We decided that we would go forward, together, and make this relationship what we knew it could be.  We vowed to always stay on the same page and continue communicating and never lose our focus on "us" again.  

I was 28 when we sold our home in Castle Rock and moved to our home in Reunion, where we now live.  We needed to start over, we felt, in a new place with our relationship fresh and new again.  A place where there were no bad memories. It was the best move we could have made, I believe.  We bought a wonderful home ~ big and with room to grow.  Most of our memories here have been good 
ones and I think it will continue to be that way.

As the sun sets on a decade of highs and lows, I look forward to the next one with excitement and great expectations.  I have been told that the 30's are the best years and I intend to make them that way for me as well!  I feel like this is possible because as I enter this period of time... I am happy in a way that I don't remember ever being.  I am happy with me ~ I love the person that I am and am proud of the woman I've become.  Although I will never stop trying to make improvements to me, I feel I have come along way from the girl I was 10 years ago... I have grown to love my body, despite it's imperfections.  I have them because of the beautiful children that began their lives in my belly.  My marriage continues to ground me, fulfill me and give me joy.  I find in my partner, love and understanding.  I feel like I am home.