Troublemaker?

Yesterday I missed Joe Biden's speech.  I was on the phone with Ms. F for about 45 minutes talking about Tyler and her frustrations with him.  It seems his teacher is at her wit's end and isn't sure what to do to get him to use appropriate behavior in the classroom.  Though he was threatened before, yesterday was the first time she's actually called me.  

Shawn and I have been very concerned about this situation.  And it's new to us, as both of our boys have always been well behaved for us.  I don't have to raise my voice with them (very often)... we take them anywhere we want to and know that they'll cooperate... they're sweet and sensitive and caring... we enjoy spending time with them and others seem to, also.  We get complimented on their behavior in places like art museums and restaurants, where kids tend to be a bit rowdy.  They've always obeyed grown~ups ~ even friends and neighbors.  

Perhaps we've gotten too comfortable or have grown to expect more of them than you'd expect of boys.  But when I send them to school, I expect them to exhibit the same tendencies and habits that we experience at home and in our daily lives.

So when Tyler was coming home each day talking about losing 5 minutes or an entire recess (and sometimes two recesses), I was shocked.  We have talked and talked about how important school is and how we can't learn anything if we're talking when Ms. F is talking.  We've talked about respecting grown ups and obeying when asked to be quiet.  We've talked about how we know he's capable of behaving appropriately.  About a time and a place to talk and have fun with friends.

We've come up with a positive and negative reinforcement system.  He'll earn special priveledges when he hasn't gotten any of his recess taken away, but conversely if he loses an entire recess (which means he's gotten in trouble twice), he is grounded that night.  Admittedly, we've not been great at enforcing the grounding...

... because we were starting to think he had been singled out.  We've questioned and tried to understand the circumstances during which he's getting reprimanded.   We feel we know our child and that this behavior is not typical.  He's starting to say he doesn't like school and wants to be home all the time, which is never something he's expressed.  He's always loved school and excelled.  He's said that he feels like his teacher is yelling at him and that she doesn't like him (he's very sensitive about this anyway).  

Shawn and I have both seen situations where a kid was labeled a "troublemaker" or a "bad seed" or whatever and the teacher's attitude toward that kid was never the same afterwards.  We were starting to think that had happened here because Tyler's not shy and he gets along so easily with everyone... 

So when the phone rang and it was Ms. F on the other end, I stepped outside to take the call a bit on the defensive.  We're trying to enforce her rules from home, which is difficult because we're trusting him to tell us when he's gotten warnings or lost recess.  We're hearing about behavior that we really haven't witnessed.  And we're concerned about possible labels that our child has gotten.

Ms. F seemed very concerned about Tyler.  I could hear the frustration in her voice.  She's not dealt with behavior issues that she couldn't modify before.  She wanted to make sure Tyler was communicating with us about his problems at school and that we were dealing with it appropriately.  I talked to her about our actions and my own frustration with the situation that was new to me.  I opined about what I thought was the cause of this... a combination of having a hard time getting into a structured environment (which he didn't have all summer and really not in first grade either if we're being completely honest here) ... and perhaps part of it being immaturity as he's one of the youngest in his class.  

I talked to her about my concerns about recess removal being a punishment because that's the only outlet he has during the day for his talkative personality.  I voiced my concerns about labels and stigmas.  

She said all the right things and voiced concerns that mirrored mine.  She does seem, after only two weeks, to genuinely care about our son.  But at the same point, his behavior is deviant and distracting and can't continue.  

He has been moved to another desk, away from the best friend from last year, though she usually doesn't accommodate things like this.  I suggested it might be best for him to be moved to a seat alone, away from other kids altogether.  Already, his first day at a new desk, he's gotten another boy in trouble that sits next to him.  One that normally hadn't gotten in trouble.  This leads me to believe that it he IS exhibiting the behavior he's been punished for.  Ms. F didn't want to move him to a desk alone, even temporarily until he gets used to this new structured environment.  She said she would, though, if I thought it was best and we compromised with waiting a couple more days to see how it goes at the desk he just moved to.  She's promised to email me daily to let me know how things went so I don't have to rely on his honesty.  

I'm still feeling pretty helpless, though.  Shawn and I discussed ways we can help her more at home by being stricter in our punishment and staying more on top of the situation.  I'd like to go and spend time in the classroom so I can witness what's happening... but she thinks that I wouldn't witness what she does in that scenario.  I know in the grand scheme of things, this could be so much worse.  The behavior that requires modification could be violent in nature...  But I feel this is serious enough to take action now, before he is labeled and future teachers dread having him in their classroom.  And even Gavin, too ~ I've seen siblings be set up for failure because of big brother's or sister's interactions with teachers.

I don't want to stifle his life and his spirit ~ he has a fantastic personality and is well liked and I think that will serve him well in life.  But I'm baffled at how to teach him, from a distance, to behave appropriately and respect his teacher.  What we're doing is clearly not working.  

If you're still reading and have any advice or input, I'd gladly eat up whatever you can share with me.

Busted!

I was really torn about Santa Claus when it came to the boys.  I still remember when, in 2nd grade, I found out.  I remember arguing with the classmate that was trying to tell me he wasn't real ~ after all, I had him on video (thanks, Grampy!).  I remember talking to my mom and thinking what an idiot this kid was because he didn't believe in Santa!  And my mom telling me that in fact it was I who was in the dark, rather than Jimmy Crews.  Heh.  Oops.  

I felt deceived... and it's never good to be the last one to know about anything ~ especially something so important, at 7, as Santa.  Remembering that, I wasn't sure I wanted to lie to the boys and have them resent that I lied to them, later.  How could I teach them to be honest if I wasn't honest with them?  

But Shawn convinced me it was a right of passage for an American child... that they'd be missing out if they didn't get to have the Santa experience... that it was harmless and they wouldn't hate us for lieing to them... 

And so we went along with it.  We didn't have to try too hard to convince them and I've even questioned occasionally to see if they still bought it.  Asking them if they thought Santa was a character or real.  They always have.

Well, yesterday that all changed.  

At dinner, Gavin mentioned that he wished he had two Rockies hats, like Tyler did.  Shawn suggested that we add it to the "list" and he could ask Santa for it for Christmas this year.  Shawn keeps a list on his cell phone when we're out of things the boys want, so we know what to buy them for birthdays and if they know it's on the list, they seem less inclined to throw a fit if they don't get it right then and there.

For some reason, Shawn putting the Rockies hat on the list got the gears turning in Tyler's brain.  He started to put two and two together and asked if Shawn was really Santa.  I was completely taken off guard by this conversation and now can think of probably better ways to have handled it.   

We didn't tell them right away ~ we talked about "clues"... like the fact that we don't have a chimney (our fireplace is gas) and we lock the doors at night.  How there are probably 2 billion children in the world... and that's a lot of homes to visit in one night.  

Tyler sat and tried to figure out whether it was us or Santa was real... and finally I asked him if he wanted us to tell them the truth ~ even if it wasn't "good" news.  Both boys agreed that they wanted to know the truth... so we told them.  

Gavin handled it Ok but I think he was disappointed... I wish we could have waited a little longer to tell him as he's only 5 and seems so young to not believe anymore.  Tyler's face was a combination ~ a loss of innocence and a new sense of worldliness that I haven't seen before.  

On one hand, I'm glad it was us that told them... and I'm glad they don't hate me for lying to them.  But on the other hand, I wonder how magical Christmas will be now.

A trip around my garden

It's an exciting time to be in Denver! With the DNC going on and all the drama that's been ramping up all summer, it's fun to finally see some action. Of course, I'm staying far, far away from downtown this week... But Shawn's there, in the thick of things. Hopefully he'll be telling you all about it on his blog later this week.

But have you been watching? Shawn and I watched about 3 hours worth of speeches last night and let me tell you, it left me feeling pumped up!! I'm so excited about the election and I love seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. We're watching C~Span so we can see the actual speeches, rather than bits and pieces in the middle of pundits telling us what to think about the speeches.

I especially loved Michelle Obama's speech last night... I find her almost as inspirational as her husband and I just think they are the sweetest family. It makes me frustrated to see them being torn apart by the media and the McCain campaign, but I know that's the nature of the beast... Still, it sucks. But I think they're strong and that they'll be Ok on the other side, regardless of the outcome of the election. I really enjoyed learning more about her and I think she'll be a lovely first lady!

Anyway, stepping off my soap box and into my garden...

I'm not getting outside in the back yard a lot lately because the boys have been wanting to ride scooters and bikes in the front and hang out with the plethora of neighbor kids that have been out playing lately. (I love our neighborhood!) We were lucky enough to buy a home on a street with some really awesome people... and the boys love playing with their kids, so that's an added bonus.

But it's left my garden a bit neglected. And bending down to pull weeds right now is out of the question. I only bend down if it's absolutely necessary ~ like when I drop food on the floor at work... because let's not give any rodents an excuse to make a home there!

I looked out the back window this morning, though, and saw this and I just had to share!

And this one is in a planter... it's the only bloom right now.

These live by the sunflowers ~ I have no clue what they are (I'm bad about marking what I plant and then I forget!) but they almost look like lil sunflower babies :)

These were coming fast and furious after the first one I showed you... but they're starting to slow down now. Thought I'd grab a picture before they stop blooming altogether. They're still my favorites!


We haven't had the volume of tomatoes that we had last year... and I noticed this morning that someone's been eating them!

I planted six strawberry plants and we have not gotten a single strawberry out of them. As far as I know, no bunnies are living in our back yard but we do have a pigeon infestation going on all around us, so I think they may be the ones stealing my strawberries! I have seen tons of green ones but they disappear before they are red and ready to pick! I'm pretty bummed about that because I was really looking forward to fresh strawberries! Anyone have any tips on how to keep birds (or whatever's eating them) from the plants?

Happy Tuesday!